2011
Well…I definitely saved Andy’s life….ya ya ya…a result. That’s one that I can chalk up as a victory. I saw him a few days ago…with his Unlucky Fried Kitten band. He has no idea it was me who saved him…all those years ago. It’s 2011…I’m still super-intelligent…lol…and I can do magic. well…it’s not actually magic…I guess. I  call it IRV…which is ‘Interactive Remote Viewing’  I’ll explain more  in a minute…but my main goal is to save people’s lives…to stop them from doing silly things that might kill them….and to divert them from suicide…stuff like that. It’s not a moral crusade. It just makes me feel lush. Oh yeah…my name is Italix the Scruffy Duck. Well…it is when I am in life-saving mode. In reality I’m just plain old Bretta…though I guess Bretta isn’t that plain…compared to Jane…or Mary…or June…or Muriel. It is plain compared to Italix though. Andy’s case was a special mission for me… because it was my very first case and it was the first time that I realised   I could carry out IRV….that’s  ‘Interactive Remote Viewing’….come on…keep up. It was also special because I know Andy as a personal friend. I saved him…and decided to carry on saving others…because it buzzed me up. I saved him in 1991….but I wasn’t born until 1995. Gosh…this all sounds so awfully complicated. It’s not. Here…let me show you how it happened in 1991…with an extract from the novel The Tragedian…word for word…as it was scribed in 1991. It’ll show you all you need to know….and all will be clear…and then I’ll show you some of my other missions. Curl up on the sofa with that gorgeous cat….indulge yourself with some Ben & Jerry’s…New York Super Fudge Chunk is Heavenesque…and drop STRAIGHT into the action.

ITALIX the SCRUFFY DUCK

He knew that he wasn’t mad

Just very tired

Very tired

Tired

His light was going out

Andy…..Andy…wake up

He wasn’t sure if it was the surf rolling across his feet that woke him up…or the urgent vocal of the new arrival.He awoke anyway. He saw a girl in a red and black stripey jumper. She had a quiff…with a red band holding it back. She was bent over him…shouting…some rips in her black tights.

Who the fuck are you, then? Are you my Guardian Angel or something?

I am your Guardian Astronaut

From where? Where do you come from? Who are you? What the Hell is a Guardian Astronaut?

I come from your future…and I can’t let you die here..now…on the beach…cos I need to be your friend..in the future. I call myself Italix…the Scruffy Duck

Why?

Because I talk in Italix…and if I told you my real name it would ruin everything…and you would know too much. You won’t remember me as Italix when you meet me in years to come

Please…explain what this is about. You seem nice..but what is this astronaut shit?

I am an astronaut because…very simply…angels do not exist…but astronauts do. I have travelled in time to meet you…to stop your death. I can’t let you go just yet

What about all the biblical pictures of angels…men and women with huge white wings…people saw them in biblical times…or they would not have painted them in those beautiful pictures…strong feathered white wings sprouting from angels in the sky?

Andy was very confused now. He didn’t believe in time-travel..and he didn’t believe in angels..not really. She was probably some local girl…just messing around on the beach…having a laugh. He wondered if he HAD died…it was a bizarre situation

Angels have never existed. Take it from me. Those beautiful angels…depicted in biblical images…were astronauts. It’s all about perception

Huh?

Well…see it this way. Let’s go back to the biblical days. There were no photographers then…no paparazzi…everything was hearsay and first-hand explanation

I am still confused

OK…let’s say a man or a woman saw someone up there in the sky. They had no concept of space-travel….or of mechanical travel…jet-packs…not even parachutes…not in those times. They saw a spaceman…someone travelling from another time…and their account of the sighting was limited. It was someone flying. That’s all it could be…to their un-educated perception

Still don’t get it

Let’s say a farmer called Jacob…yes…let’s give him a name…sees an astronaut. He has no concept of space-travel…of astronauticism…so he sees it as a bit of a miracle…a fantasy..in fact. So…he tells his friend…let’s call him Jeramiah

Why Jeremiah?

I don’t fucking know. Just a name

Yeah…well …carry on

He tells Jeremiah..over a drink or two…that he saw this human flying across the gospel sky. Jeremiah is an artist..a painter…

Hold on…one minute he’s a made-up person…as is Jacob…now he’s got a fucking profession

Andy…shut up…let me continue or I will leave you to die…you obstinate prick

Jesus….I don’t even know you…this might be my imagination…I’m being beaten down by a figment of my imagination

Trust me….I am part of your future…if I let you die now…I might not exist myself…so fucking help me out here.

So…Jacob tells Jeremiah that he saw an angel?

No…he tells Jeremiah that he saw a person in the sky. Jeremiah…as a painter…wants to create a picture of it…so he paints a picture of a human flying through the sky. It’s a time when they know nothing of technology…so the obvious supposition is that if a person can fly…that person MUST have wings. So he paints a person…man or woman…with wings.

Who’s idea is this? I’ve never heard such a strategy. I have never heard an opinion like this

It is all my own thoughts

I am not sure you are right…but you are a very clever girl

I am super-intelligent…ha ha. Seriously…if I had the intellectual power to stop you dying it would be the most remarkable aspect of my very short life. You can’t die yet…not until I’ve met you

Jesus girl….what if this is a dream? What if I never see you again?

If you have the guts…the determination…the strength…to live now…then we will meet…I promise you that. If not…then fuck you

So….Jeremiah paints a guy or girl…with wings. Where does the halo come into it? Angels had wings and halos.

That’s easy…well…it is if you are super-intellectual like me

Go on

An astronaut has a space-helmet….it has a built-in light. It glows. Jeremiah….or any number of biblical piss-head painters of bygone biblical times…have no concept of illumination by artificial light….so…bang…the halo is invented

I think you have an imagination that knows no limit

Well…trust me then…I need you to stay alive…for me…for your future and for mine

And if I die?

Then I will not exist…ever

A swirl of foam washed over his confused mind. He saw some jellyfish slowly drifting towards his face. He wanted to sleep…he had a death-wish…but he also saw a glimmer of hope. What if this really was a friend from his future? What if this was just a girl who lived down the road? What if she was playing some stupid game? If it was his imagination…then…why did he make this figment so incredibly intelligent?

I promise you…Andy…that if you live…I will be the best friend you ever had…but if you die…you have let me down…and you have let your family down. Don’t let me down…don’t let your family down. I can only save you with my words…I can’t physically lift you out of the surf. As smart as I am I can only use my words. If you die you have killed me. Do you want that? Can you live with that?

Well…that’s irrelevant…if I’m dead anyway

Don’t fuck with me Andy. You wanna play the fucking hopeless romantic suicidee then go ahead…but just thanks a fucking lot. If I could make physical contact here I’d drag you from that surf with my bare hands…and you know what? I’d beat the fucking shit out of you for playing with MY life and MY feelings. I’d smash you to within an inch of your life…then I’d take you in my arms and make you better. Die now and I curse your lifeless pathetic sea-water-filled body. Live now and I see you in the future

She was right…he was selfish. As he closed his eyes and waited for the inevitable passing…he tortured himself with the notion that she might JUST be right. She might just truly want to see him in later times

Who are you, angel? he asked And where do you come from?

I was born in 1995

But this is 1991

Yes…I know…I am super-intelligent

I am confused

I am your friend…just live…you cunt

*********

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