Alright everybody?  It’s been a long day. My friend, Ashleigh, is in hospital…she had her appendix removed. It was causing trouble. It’s a bit like someone causing trouble in a nightclub…you have to have them removed…but I think the doctors are better qualified than the bouncers.  Poor old Ash….with the classic presentation of acute appendicitis. Sounds like a line from a Gilbert & Sullivan opera.

‘The classic presentation of acute appendicitis…is of major apprehension worse than gastroenteritis…though it’s not as bad as other stuff like pallid meningitis…and a little part of Ashleigh is no more’

Poor little Ash. The last time she was in Casualty she played the part of a little girl with a saucepan stuck on her head.  As if that ever happens in real life. Maybe someone once got their head stuck in a 3,600-year old Sumerian pot? Perhaps not?

People get into all sorts of scrapes…often due to alcohol. Alcohol and Love. A lethal combination. Well…I  must settle down for the night. I tip-toed past the medicine cabinet…cos I didn’t want to wake the sleeping tablets up…and now I’m in my bed. Peppa Pig quilt. Sid Vicious poster on wall. Small bottle of vodka…to help me relax…and the world on hold. I guess I should hand over to the Scruffy Duck…for an account of another mission of mine. S’later xx

Italix clouted her knuckles against the door of room 342 of the Travelodge Hotel…down by the south side of the Dartford River Crossing. The man who opened the door was rather drunk. His name was Mickey. The name of the monitor lizard in the perspex case on the kitchen work-top was Savannha…but it didn’t matter.  Lizards are very intelligent…some can even count…but it doesn’t matter. What use is that…as a function…to a lizard? Yes…they can count the number of worms, crickets or boiled eggs they have eaten in any given period…but it still serves no real purpose. It doesn’t matter.

‘Who are you then?’ asked Mickey

‘I’m called Italix…cos I always talk in italics’

‘Cool…and what are you here for?’

Well…I read the song you wrote…Baby Don’t Break Up With Me …and I know you’re just about to kill yourself’

‘Ha ha…how moving…and you want to stop me?’

Well…yes…what’s wrong with that?’

Savannha watched them as they talked. Lizards are very intelligent. Italix is super-intelligent. Monitors need a large water dish in which they can soak their entire bodies.  Italix needs a large pool of deep emotional trauma in which she can immerse her ‘catch-all liberation of victim’ policy.  Lizards have long necks, powerful tails and claws, and well-developed limbs.  Italix has a long history of Interactive Remote Viewing, powerful persausion skills, and well-developed ethics.

‘Look Mickey’ said Italix ‘Here’s a write-up about your time with UFK….it’s up to you now…if you want to change history…and just live…and you can still go on to do solo stuff. You just won’t die…and I’ll be your friend’

Italix whipped out her iphone and showed her new friend the press article

1. The Book That Broke My Heart (for Kurt Cobain)
2. The Man With The Terracotta Eyes (for Syd Barrett)
3. I.C.U. (for Ian Curtis)
4. The Elvis Elevator (for Elvis Presley)
5. One Black Eye (for Ian Dury)
6, Hello Richie (for Richie Edwards)
7. All The Heroes (for Jimi Hendrix)
8. Shadows All Around Me (for Layne Staley)
9. Nancy Boy (for Sid Vicious)
10. Electric Fingers (for Jimi Hendrix)
11. Strummer Holiday (for Joe Strummer)
12. Stormy Waters (for Johnny Thunders)
13. Joey Is A Punk (for Joey Ramone)

The track-listing has been decided for the posthumous Mickey Apples album, Dead Pop Stars.

Mickey Apples was bass player for Indo-European Pop-Punk band, Unlucky Fried Kitten. When he left the band he released a solo E.P. called Black Sheep…and then he began work on his notorious album, Dead Pop Stars. Each of the 13 tracks pertained to a dead rock or pop musician.

a brief history of Mickey’s time with UFK

Andy and Kingsley relocated to London and placed an ad in the Melody Maker. They got three responses. One from a 55 year old golfer who played bass in a covers band doing Jim Reeves/Marty Robbins songs. Another from a leather rocker girl into Suzi Quatro and Mud. A third from Michael Shufflebotham who lived on a farm on the south coast. They chose Michael due to his unswerving natural ability on the fret board…(and cos they had a barn they could practice in for free:) Michael was the black sheep of the family…his two brothers followed their father into farming…not like Michael who chose the “wicked path of rock and roll” So, the basic line-up of UFK were out of the traps. In a UFK interview Andy explains how they changed Mickey’s name to the one we all know him by now…’Ah! He was funny in those days…we’d roll up at the barn with our amps and our crates of booze…and he’d pitch in with a box of apples! We just had to christen him “Mickey Apples”
Mickey continued the tradition on the UFK, Kitten On your Doorstep tour, insisting that a pallet of apples be loaded into the dressing room.
Mickey was a good bass player, but he constantly badgered Andy..trying to get UFK to play his songs, which were mostly atrocious! They argued a lot. In a fit of pique Mickey stormed out of a YMCA gig…on the “Perishing Robots” tour and he never played with UFK again.
He made a single, “Black Sheep”. It sank without a trace. His last roll of the dice was his mini-LP Dead Pop Stars…finalizing his place in low-rent pop punk history by astonishingly killing himself on the release date. In tribute to Mr. Apples…we have created a shrine to him in
The Doll’s House where you can hear his “Black Sheep” song and his subsequent DPS songs.

Monitor lizards differ greatly from other lizards in several ways, possessing a relatively high metabolic rate…for reptiles

Mickey Apples…bassist…differs greatly from other bassists in several ways, possessing a relatively high predilection for suicide…for bassists

Italix…the modern super-intelligent super-hero for the modern day…differs greatly from other modern super-heroes, possessing a relatively high don’t-give-a-fuck attitude…for super-heroes

‘Ah’ said Mickey ‘Then I am gonna be famous if I do slide out of life?’

No…not at all…you’ll just be a random line or two here and there on the huge interweb. The controversial reality of suicide does not guarantee broad acclaim. Some beautiful people have died…some exquisite singers have died…some exceptionally talented song-writers have died….and most of those have gone largely unnoticed.  Some are saved…and  go on to achieve greatness. Some are saved…and go on to amount to nothing. Nobody can help you…apart from yourself…but I am trying.’

‘Yeah…well…thanks for that….but when you have had your heart broken like I have…maybe you will understand?’

‘I have had my heart broken…but fuck that….Mickey…sing your song to me’

‘Which one?’

‘Baby Don’t Break Up With Me’

Lizards are eaten in parts of southern India and Malaysia, where their meat is considered an aphrodisiac. The lizard looked on. If it had had some kind of thought-process ability it would have thought  ‘Fuck this…I hope they don’t eat me’  It’s okay though. Lizards don’t think like we do.  If they did…they would probably just be thinking about how they would like to be laying eggs in a hollow tree-stump ….starting a family.  Savannha was just bored…battle-topping her way around the perspex box…existing…a function.

Mickey picked up his guitar. He sang his song…struggling a bit on the high notes.

I’m looking for a way to make you see that you should not break up with me

I never wanted you to go…although you have the right to do so

Every time we fall apart  it leaves me with a broken heart

I’m not always at my best…but I would never let you down babe

Baby don’t break up with me…I don’t need this possibility

Don’t take your love away from me

Oh baby don’t break up with me, girl

Words can never really say how much I miss you every day

I never wanted you to cry…not if they are tears of sadness

Every time we reunite I try my best to get it right

I whisper gently in your ear…and tell you that I really love you

So baby don’t break up with me…I don’t want this eventuality

Don’t take your love away from me

Oh baby don’t break up….with me

Italix smiled

‘That’s a beautiful song….but you do have a shit voice, Mickey’

‘A compliment with a condemnation…huh…I like your style’

‘It’s up to you now, Mickey. Do what you feel is right. If you die you will never see the afore-mentioned write-ups. If you live you won’t see them either. You have a choice. If you die you will not be remembered as a legend…but you will be remembered by a very small handful of UFK fans. If you live…you will be quite bored with life…for a while…but there will always be a chance that you can make some kind of impact later on’

Italix left Mickey with his Savannha…and with his guitar…and with his desires. Pedal-powered cyclists were using the nearby Dartford River Crossing for free.  A girl called Danielle checked in at room 341…but she didn’t know what was occurring in room 342.  Mickey didn’t know that the man in the  novel by Nabakov met Lolita at 342 Lawn Street. Danielle didn’t know that the man in the novel seduced Lolita in room 342 of The Enchanted Hunters motel. The monitor lizard didn’t know that in one year on the road the two of them…Humbert Humbert and Lolita… checked into 342 motels. It doesn’t matter.  Italix approached what is quite possibly the worst McDonalds franchise in Kent…certainly in North Kent…and as she pushed her skinny little fingers against the tubular steel of the door handle….she thought she heard a pop. It could have been a car back-firing. It might have been the burst of a shit song from the over-zealous speaker in a BMW…playing  rubbish rap music. It may well have been the sound of a spring-loaded Webley…from room 342 of the Travelodge…Greenhithe….Kent.  Danielle flicked a switch to make a coffee. Savannha existed….but didn’t know it. Mickey bled all over the carpet…..£23.99 a square metre from CarpetRight.

Ah well…there’s your story of Mickey Apples. I tried….I definitely tried. For now I just think of Ashleigh….she might have been better than myself…at saving Mickey. I am quite embarrassed. I seem to be losing more people than I save. To be fair to myself, though, I am not sure that Mickey wanted to be saved. His song is great…and I hope that someone with a great voice will cover it some day. Hold on…what am I saying?  I know that it WILL be covered…and it will be a big hit…but not until 2019. Night people. Thanks for being my friend. xxx